My name is Michelle and I'm a procrastinator.
<Hello Michelle>
It's been two weeks since I last ran.
<Gasp!>
This sounds a lot better in my head than reading it and I don't want anyone to think I'm demeaning any 12-step program. But I am admitting that I've hit a major obstacle during my training. More like a virtually unscalable, 16 foot high, 8 foot in depth concrete wall that has been covered in electrical fence.
I could blame the weather but it hasn't really been that bad. I could blame the constant feeling of being tired but I'm a mother and a full-time employee so like that's ever going to change. I could blame Scott for not dragging my ass out with him but I did tell him not to harp on me so much. I could blame my schedule but I've been told that there are hours available, previous to my traditional wake-up time, that are presently sitting empty.
So there is no one to blame but myself.
Bummer.
Of course, this "blame thy self" becomes a vicious circle though. I don't run therefore I chastize and ridicule myself (you idiot, you missed a perfectly good night to run 5 kms); which makes me feel worse (you know you are going to gain weight); which demoralizes my intentions (why am I bothering to do this? you aren't an athlete so why pretend you are? You can't do this so quit now); which leads me to the next day (I promise I will run 5kms tomorrow and make it up to myself...yeah, right!). And so on and so forth until two weeks later and I have to write about it because I'm so fed up with myself.
I know all I need to do is get changed, put on my running shoes, plug in my mp3 player (I haven't bitten into the Apple Assault yet) and just do it. I know all that. So why am I taking this time to blog instead of taking this time to run?
I'm scared. Yup. Pretty simple and basic but I'm scared. Scared of failing. Scared of looking like an idiot. Scared of disappointing myself. I mean really, that's all procrastination is - the fear of moving forward not knowing if success or failure awaits you. Its a lot easier to wait something out and not fail than plow ahead and fall on your face. I'd rather self-loathe than embarrass myself.
I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others. I want to be as good as other runners I know now. I forget that even they had to start somewhere and build up distance, endurance, and speed. I simply expect that I can do what they can do in two or three weeks of training. Wait, I can't?
<Enter hand smacking back of head>
I have set some pretty hefty goals for myself for 2012. The fact is if I don't start back on my training path I'm never going to succeed at a 50 km trail race in September. Heck, I may not get through 42 km at Limberlost in July. And I've paid for all these races in advance. Not only that, but I told Scott that I want to be able to pace him during his last loops of the 100-mile races I am able to attend.
Fear of Disappointment (in myself and potentially projected by others) = Procrastination. Sadly, a math equation I understand without extra help.
So back to the basics I go. I'm running to get fit. I'm running to show my boys that goals aren't about winning or losing but about attaining the dream. I'm running to prove to myself that I can do the things I never thought I could do. I'm running to be mentally strong. I'm running because it makes me feel so damn good when I finish.
It's time to face the wall and take a leap of faith. Here's hoping I don't get zapped.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Labels
Yesterday afternoon Scott sent me an interesting question from one of the groups he belongs to on Facebook. Basically, the question was whether or not one could call themselves an "ultrarunner" if they had only completed one 50 km event. (An ultrarunning event is usually considered 50km+ or anything longer than a marathon).
I'm not entirely sure why but this has been niggling at me for nearly 24 hours now, but I have some theories.
I've always thought that running shouldn't be about labels - hence the motto I follow "I'm not in it to win it, I'm in it to finish it". I realize for some that goal-setting might be about breaking records or being "first" but even then the goal itself shouldn't be the label "Betty Bluejeans - Number One Woman Finisher at Blistering Blisters 100-mile Race". The goal should be about the overall finishing time; those personal bests that just might bring a placed finish.
What about those who run just to run? If they have been doing 50 km runs on a Saturday purely for enjoyment or helping a buddy who is in training or because they want to prove to themselves that they can push their bodies that far, does that mean they are NOT ultrarunners? Why does a registered event need to be the means to be recognized? Think of it this way - do you really need a university degree to prove you're intelligent because I've known a number of university graduates who are not!
Of course, this does bring me back to my own status. I've entered 6 races this year. They range from a six-hour race to a 10 mile race to my ultimate goal of a 50 km race. Why do I need these races at all? I need the goal (because if I've paid for it, then there's no turning back!!) and I need to prove to myself that I'm not completely inept doing something athletic. I'm not trying to win any races. I want to finish all these races so I can look back one day and reflect that I did it. I entered, I ran a race, and I finished it. If I place at any time (she says laughing and shaking her head) then wow, what an amazing feat that would be, but doing MY best is the goal. When I look at my name on the list, I'm not looking at my finishing place (which right now is usually near the bottom) but at the time or distance. That, for me, is the bar.
And maybe, just maybe, if others were "allowed" to call themselves half-marathon runners, or marathon-runners, or ultrarunners without spending the money to be in an event, there might be more people tying up their shoelaces and trying to prove to themselves, not others, that anything is possible when you set a goal.
I'm not entirely sure why but this has been niggling at me for nearly 24 hours now, but I have some theories.
I've always thought that running shouldn't be about labels - hence the motto I follow "I'm not in it to win it, I'm in it to finish it". I realize for some that goal-setting might be about breaking records or being "first" but even then the goal itself shouldn't be the label "Betty Bluejeans - Number One Woman Finisher at Blistering Blisters 100-mile Race". The goal should be about the overall finishing time; those personal bests that just might bring a placed finish.
What about those who run just to run? If they have been doing 50 km runs on a Saturday purely for enjoyment or helping a buddy who is in training or because they want to prove to themselves that they can push their bodies that far, does that mean they are NOT ultrarunners? Why does a registered event need to be the means to be recognized? Think of it this way - do you really need a university degree to prove you're intelligent because I've known a number of university graduates who are not!
Of course, this does bring me back to my own status. I've entered 6 races this year. They range from a six-hour race to a 10 mile race to my ultimate goal of a 50 km race. Why do I need these races at all? I need the goal (because if I've paid for it, then there's no turning back!!) and I need to prove to myself that I'm not completely inept doing something athletic. I'm not trying to win any races. I want to finish all these races so I can look back one day and reflect that I did it. I entered, I ran a race, and I finished it. If I place at any time (she says laughing and shaking her head) then wow, what an amazing feat that would be, but doing MY best is the goal. When I look at my name on the list, I'm not looking at my finishing place (which right now is usually near the bottom) but at the time or distance. That, for me, is the bar.
And maybe, just maybe, if others were "allowed" to call themselves half-marathon runners, or marathon-runners, or ultrarunners without spending the money to be in an event, there might be more people tying up their shoelaces and trying to prove to themselves, not others, that anything is possible when you set a goal.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
First Race of 2012 Completed!
So many elements made this race the best one ever! I'm not sure if the run-gods were finally pleased with the sacrifices I made (starting to eat for running and training on a more consistent schedule) or if I was just mentally prepared more than any other race or if it was the fact that it was the first race where someone crewed for ME (thanks Ken!) but everything came into alignment for six hours. I've never started or finished a race with a smile on my face but it happened!
Keep in mind that I'm not in these races to win or break any astounding records (except my own). The longest run I'd accomplished before this race was at Dirty Girls last year and I ran 30 kms. I was pretty darn proud of myself then. My last race was at Haliburton in September and I completed 26 kms. So I figured a goal of 31 kms on a track at York University was doable - and it would be a personal best for me.
Things I know worked for me before the race included days of drinking lots and lots of water (although I could have done without the trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night), eating well leading up to the race (no beer or wine...that was harsh AND concentrating on eating protein, which wasn't so harsh), and having a big bowl of stove-top oatmeal the morning of the race (love my porridge).
Things that I know worked for me during the race include drinking a LOT of water (also ended up with a number of bathroom breaks during the race but I got to sit for about 30 seconds....ha ha), eating during the race (LOVE Hammer Perpetuem Solids, Ken kept handing me clementines, I ate zero junk during the race), and my decision to run every 4 out of 5 laps (each lap was 230 meters) and walking one lap. That one lap enabled me to drink and eat and not lose a lap in between. It gave my legs (and buttocks) a much needed break too.
I also got a ton of support from those running past me. And trust me, just about everyone was running past me but that was OK. I mean, its not like I was threat to anyone trying to get as many laps in as possible in 6 hours!!! SO many smiling faces, supportive comments, and genuinely kind people. Runners are just amazing! Women I look up to (Marylou and Maryka), my man who still commented to the world that I was sexy even when I know I wasn't looking so great (Scott), and so many others were there to put a smile on my face and give me an extra dose of energy.
I also added one new element (which is a mineral so pardon the pun) that seems to have helped enormously - Magnesium. I'm not going to preach about magnesium's incredible properties or why it is as helpful as it has been for me. That what Google and research is for. But here is what I know - I sprayed magnesium oil on my legs before and during the run yesterday. I have no pain in them today. None. My knees don't ache, my quads are fine, my calves are good. The two areas I didn't spray (my hips and buttocks) are a mess today. Sure, it could be completely psychosomatic but I've been using the spray in the morning and before bed for a few weeks now during training and I've had very little pain at all. And it is better than relying on Advil!
So how did I do? Are you sitting down? I surpassed 31 kms at hour 5 and 15 mins (yay me!!) And then Ken wondered out loud if I could make it to 35 kms....damn....I hate those comments (not really because I respond better to a goal, remember?). So for the next 45 mins I walked and ran as fast as my legs would take me. At the sixth hour, the finish of the race, I had completed 35.81 kms. Annnddd....I didn't come in last!!
I had perma-grin on my face for the rest of the day! Talk about a runner's high!! Funny how anything seems possible when you exceed your own goals!
I've got two days off for rest and then I'm back to my regular training schedule. Man, those 4 kms on Tuesday are going to feel like a walk in the park....I hope!!
Keep in mind that I'm not in these races to win or break any astounding records (except my own). The longest run I'd accomplished before this race was at Dirty Girls last year and I ran 30 kms. I was pretty darn proud of myself then. My last race was at Haliburton in September and I completed 26 kms. So I figured a goal of 31 kms on a track at York University was doable - and it would be a personal best for me.
Things I know worked for me before the race included days of drinking lots and lots of water (although I could have done without the trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night), eating well leading up to the race (no beer or wine...that was harsh AND concentrating on eating protein, which wasn't so harsh), and having a big bowl of stove-top oatmeal the morning of the race (love my porridge).
Things that I know worked for me during the race include drinking a LOT of water (also ended up with a number of bathroom breaks during the race but I got to sit for about 30 seconds....ha ha), eating during the race (LOVE Hammer Perpetuem Solids, Ken kept handing me clementines, I ate zero junk during the race), and my decision to run every 4 out of 5 laps (each lap was 230 meters) and walking one lap. That one lap enabled me to drink and eat and not lose a lap in between. It gave my legs (and buttocks) a much needed break too.
I also got a ton of support from those running past me. And trust me, just about everyone was running past me but that was OK. I mean, its not like I was threat to anyone trying to get as many laps in as possible in 6 hours!!! SO many smiling faces, supportive comments, and genuinely kind people. Runners are just amazing! Women I look up to (Marylou and Maryka), my man who still commented to the world that I was sexy even when I know I wasn't looking so great (Scott), and so many others were there to put a smile on my face and give me an extra dose of energy.
I also added one new element (which is a mineral so pardon the pun) that seems to have helped enormously - Magnesium. I'm not going to preach about magnesium's incredible properties or why it is as helpful as it has been for me. That what Google and research is for. But here is what I know - I sprayed magnesium oil on my legs before and during the run yesterday. I have no pain in them today. None. My knees don't ache, my quads are fine, my calves are good. The two areas I didn't spray (my hips and buttocks) are a mess today. Sure, it could be completely psychosomatic but I've been using the spray in the morning and before bed for a few weeks now during training and I've had very little pain at all. And it is better than relying on Advil!
So how did I do? Are you sitting down? I surpassed 31 kms at hour 5 and 15 mins (yay me!!) And then Ken wondered out loud if I could make it to 35 kms....damn....I hate those comments (not really because I respond better to a goal, remember?). So for the next 45 mins I walked and ran as fast as my legs would take me. At the sixth hour, the finish of the race, I had completed 35.81 kms. Annnddd....I didn't come in last!!
I had perma-grin on my face for the rest of the day! Talk about a runner's high!! Funny how anything seems possible when you exceed your own goals!
I've got two days off for rest and then I'm back to my regular training schedule. Man, those 4 kms on Tuesday are going to feel like a walk in the park....I hope!!
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